Medical Gaslighting

Medical gaslighting is a form of abuse prevalent in the medical community especially with minorities and women. If the phrase it is all in your head sounds familiar then you may have experienced it.

As a plus sized, biological female, I have my fair share of stories to tell. The phrase if you would just loose weight then X is very familiar to me. Apparently weight loss can heal anything from a torn tendon, hypothyroidism, and PCOS to mono.

Getting a second opinion is like second nature to me at this point. It took me 2 months of antibiotics and steroid packs for acute thyroiditis and strep through until my family at their wits end finally took me to an endocrinologist during a huge snow storm for me to be diagnosed with mono. One simple blood test missed over and over again because of my weight and medical bias.

Crippling periods with heavy blood loss and pain so bad I would vomit from the ages of 12-20 were not addressed until I ended up in the ER for a terrible stomach bug and they incidentally found ovarian cysts. Some of this was exacerbated by doctors saying just take an advil it cant be that bad and loose 50 pounds and join the military you will be fine. It did not help that the one doctor who offered me birth control for the pain at 15 was told no because it broke my Catholic mother’s heart.

At 20 I ended up getting an ovarian cyst removed. After the surgery I lost over ten pounds and two pants sizes. Then my thyroid went and it took two years to get a diagnosis which ballooned me up 100 pounds and now I am told the only thing that will fix me is weight loss surgery.

I am not sure how my doctors can advise weight loss surgery when I have had crippling abdominal pain, chronic diarrhea, vomiting, 2 ER trips, 6 biopsies, 2 diagnostic surgeries and still no answers. I will not let anyone advocate removing part of my digestive track prior to finding out whats wrong with it.

Loosing half my body weight will only cure the fact that physicians have trouble looking at me, not my pain.

All this to say I have a chronic illness and I am working on getting healed but it is difficult when I am told it is all in my head or that it will all go away if I just loose weight.

Love and light

Self-Care with Surgery

Hello All,

I recently went through a colonoscopy and Endoscopy for diagnostic purposes. The doctors took several biopsies to see if they can get a clear picture on why my IBS-D is so severe. No news yet, but in the mean time I would like to talk about surgical self-care.

For me this is not just about reading the pre-op and post- op care instructions, it is about setting yourself up for success and knowing things will not go as planned.

For me, they had me set up with a seven day prep. 7 days prior to surgery stop taking any NSAID pain relievers, 4 days prior to surgery start a GI soft diet, 24 hours prior to surgery liquids only, 12 hours before start the suprep, 6 hours before finish the suprep.

In order to take care of myself I made sure to schedule this right before the weekend so I could take my time to heal, and I took off Monday. In hind sight I should have take off Thursday as well.

The second step is to make sure to read the instructions at least twice, the instructions were several pages long and reading it twice made sure I had all the details I needed.

The third step is making a shopping list to make sure I did not need to go searching for foods that fit into my diet.

The fourth step is to watch you tube videos about the procedure. This help relive anxiety about the unknown but also gave me meal ideas.

The last step was follow through.

Thursday on 100% liquids was difficult, I was very hungry, had a headache, and some dizzy spells but I made it through. I would recommend taking that day off if possible.

The prep day was difficult because of the discomfort, I was freezing the whole time and had to turn the heat on in the house.

Love and light to all!

Happy Pride Month

Happy Pride Month you all!

I am happy to be here talking about this but also a little disappointed. One of the spaces I am in is the true crime pod cast space. I listen to them while I write my notes or during my commute. However I feel like every June it becomes trendy to talk about LGBTQ folks then all I hear about is cis/het people until the following summer.

I haven’t logged onto my podcasts apps because I know that a bunch of pod casts are going to cover LGBTQ folks getting killed and talk about how they are allies then it will be radio silence as soon as the clock hits July 1.

I guess this is all to say I’m frustrated and disappointed. LGBTQ folx matter! As a pansexual female leaning non binary I matter.

I guess I don’t understand why people can’t be allies all year round. This feels fake to me. As is we are going to cover LGBTQ folx because it’s popular and what everyone else is doing. News flash we aren’t a hot topic.

We are people to.

May Wrap-up

1. Vicious by V.E. Schwab- 10/5 stars

I mean this rating so literally! I stayed up way past my bed time to finish this book! It is a serious page turner. I love reading but this is the first book in a long time that I could not put down. Thank you so much for recommending it Leila! 

The character development, psychology, and rivalry is just, *chef’s kiss* magnificent. I must wait until the weekend to read the sequel! The book is a modern-day Frankenstein meets X-Men, but the main characters are both from The Brotherhood.

2. It’s Always the Husband by Michele Campbell 3/5

This book was good for a murder mystery. However, the premise of spoiled rich kids with skeletons in their closets seems a bit overdone. The way the book is written I have a hard time connecting with or even feeling sorry for any of the characters. They are almost always drunk, high, or generally manipulative. I am not sure this is in a genre I would normally pick up but it was a nice change of pace!

3. Have a Hot Time Hades! By Kate McMullan (Mythomania 1) 5/5

This book is a very good take on the Greek Myths. I am reading the series as a before bed read. It is not too intense and speaks to me in a different way than the original myths.

4. Warm Up by V.E. Schwab (Villains short story)

A very short but still very good peek into the world of villains!

5. Phone Home, Persephone! By Kate McMullan (Mythomania 2) 5/5

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the original Hades and Persephone myth given Hades kidnaps his future bride. However, this retelling is more comfortable and more true to what I think may have happened. Besides Persephone being a bit of an air head, it is a good book. 

6. Say Cheese, Medusa! By Kate McMullan (Mythomania 3) 5/5

The author is really hitting her stride in this book! The world building, character building, adventure, and suspense is brilliant. I devoured this book!

7. Study Hall of Justice by Derek Fridolfs (Secret Hero Society 1) 5/5

I read this book several years ago for the first time but I never got around to picking up the sequels. I was in grad school and had very little spare time. Now that I am reading more I have more time I have decided I would pick up all five books. Bruce Wayne and his angst do not disappoint in this manga style middle school retelling of the DC comics.

8. Fort Solitude by Derek Fridolfs (Secret Hero Society 2) 5/5

The sequel is just as good as the first book. I read it in under 45 minutes. This time it focuses more on the perspective of the wholesome Clark Kent. I wonder if the next book will be in the voice of Diana Prince?

9. Detention of Doom by Derek Fridolfs (Secret Hero Society 3) 5/5

The third installment of the series is just as good as the first two! I love the alternate universe used in this book. The book is a quick read that really pulled my imagination in.

10. Science Fair Crisis by Derek Fridolfs (Secret Hero Society 4) 4/5

This installment did not live up to the previous three books, but it was still entertaining. I felt it was unnecessarily angsty ( I say this and I love batman) and the art style changes were a bit jarring. Though I could not put my finger on why.

11. Field Trip Disaster by Derek Fridolfs (Secret Hero Society 5) 4/5

This installment was on par with the fourth book, but not my favorite. The art style was off still and time travel sequences are not my favorite. I do like a good time travel fan fiction but I have limited tolerance for time travel comics and movies. If you like time travel and DC this book may be for you.

12. Legendborn by Tracy Deonn

I loved this book, but not because it was Arthorian, but because of the culture and thought put into it. The exposition is slow, but the book did pull me in. I finished in maybe six hours over a couple days. The romance is interesting, the dialogue on race is thought provoking and timely, and the modern take on secret societies kept my interest. I do not think it was very heavy on the theme of Arthur until the end. I do believe the second book will be heavier with mythological influence. This book was more heritage witchcraft and adventure mystery influenced in my mind.

13. The Kitchen Witch: A beginner’s guide to magical cooking, with more than 100 delicious recipes and simple spells by Amy Harmony 0/5

I do not believe I have ever rated a book so low. I should have known how poor the writing would be from the ridiculous title, alas I did not follow my gut. The book had poor spelling, poor grammar, and the lay out was not great either. The book comes from a place of privilege or entitlement, encouraging diet changes including removing red meet, veganism, and vegetarianism. There is no support of this in Wiccan or Pagan circles. Some people choose to do these things from a position of respecting nature but there are not religious/spiritual based diet changes. Wicca and Paganism is so much about independence and choosing your own path that this book rings false to me.

I also think the suggestions for a kitchen alter are a bit odd, it does not work for me due to limited space. I have always lived in an apartment and counter space is at a premium.


I hope all is well! More reading updates, life updates, and such soon!

Guinea Pig News

In other animal news, Trinity the Guinea pig will be going in for eye surgery in two weeks time.

As a bit of back story, fiancé and I adopted Trinity from pat smart. She had a drippy eye and had been in the back for months being treated with various medications until she was deemed healthy but not sellable as she would always have chronic drippy eye. Fiancé came home from his job picked me up and brought me to the store to meet a shy, somewhat traumatized from being isolated and treated with medication for so long, guinea pig. I signed the papers gave her a snuggle and home we went.

Over the past almost two years now she has been treated by our veterinarian for eye infection after eye infection and a yearly cold in the fall. We have done everything from eye cream, drops, ect. In the past few weeks Trin has grown a fleshy irritated bit near her eye. I was able to get her in for a visit on my day off.

Per our vet it is likely pea eye so not malignant but since she squints so much it’s causing her discomfort. So we have opted to have the pea eye removed in the coming weeks.

It seems to be a never ending circus at house social worker.

Love and Light

End of April Beginning of May reading list

Hello All,

I have been reading a lot more, partly because of stress and partly because I am now back into my old habit of reading a lot. It may be my addiction to be honest. So below I will be going over what I read and my reviews!

1. The House of Hades by Rick Riordan 5/5

I read this in part on e-book and part as an audio book. I love this series more than I thought I would! The change in prospective between the different groups of characters still bothers me. I have not been a fan of that writing style since I first saw books written like this, however I still love Rick Riordan Universe books!

2. The Blood of Olympus by Rick Riordan 5/5

I also read this as part e-book part audiobook. As you can see I am in the middle of binging everything Greek myths.

3. The Trials of Apollo- The Hidden Oracle by Rick Riordan 3/5

Another book I read as part audiobook part e-book. I am not a fan of how narcissistic Apollo is and there were several times I almost gave up on the book all together. I kept going, because the Demi God Meg is funny, feisty, and a perfect foil for Apollo!

4. The Trials of Apollo- The Dark Prophecy by Rick Riordan 4/5

I know I have a problem with binge reading a series until I finish, come along for the ride. Apollo is getting more used to becoming a human and while his character is still grating his journey is good. There is a prominent lesbian couple in this book and I am HERE for it! Also, Meg is her feisty self, and Thalia the punk rocking demi god is back!

5. Something from the Nightside by Simon R. Green 4/5

My fiancé read this book to me while I was getting better from the cold he gave me. It is a good mystery meets fantasy book even if some of the tropes made me cringe. I would not have picked the book up on my own, but I am glad at this peek into my partner’s reading world. It is similar and yet so different from my own.

Books in Progress- 

1. It’s Always the Husband by Michele Campbell

I am about 30% through this book. I have been reading it for the time between when my partner falls asleep and my sleeping meds help me fall asleep, so it is slow progress. I am holding off on forming opinions until I get further into the book. It bounces between “present day” and the past. It is a mystery and coming of age novel as far as theme’s go. I will let you know more when I get to the end!

2. To Kill a Kingdom by Alexandra Christo

I have only read the first two chapters and have had to swap out for e-books. My purse does not currently have room for a paperback. I hope to get through it before June!

3. Magnus Chase by Rick Riordan

I read the first chapter on e-book and have a hold on the audiobook. I am waiting for it to become available, so I can switch back and forth!

Spirituality- Hair Binding

As a starting point I’d like to say there are more book reviews and DID info to come! I wrote some posts but they are on a different drive than the one I have access to right now!

Something that has come to my attention recently is hair binding. It is a pagan and/or Wiccan practice of covering or partially covering a woman’s hair in honor of the gods or a specific gods. I have had several dreams about this in the past few days so I feel pushed to research this topic.

So far I have found that this is a way to reduce spiritual and physical pollution to the hair, a method of modesty, something a god or goddess could but does not always ask of a supplicant. There are many styles and ways to do this. I will keep researching and see what I find!

Hair binding can also tie in with veiling and seems to be a thread that ties together many cultures. In some Hellenistic practices the veil is taken off to signify a state of grieving when a loved one passes.

Love and light!

Hammy Update

Hello All,

My little love Gumball had her surgery yesterday. She’s a fighter like her mama! She had a spay, her uterus was a little Inflamed, there was an ovarian cyst, and she had a mass that split open recently that was removed. They managed to clean up any spillage from the mass, finish the spay and get her home to us.

The mass could have been bacterial or cancer we will never know. But I’m glad we caught it in time and she’s still with us. She is tired and a bit she’ll shocked but she should be back to her normal self by early next week. Apparently rodents don’t process pain the same way humans do.

Until next week we have some added responsibilities with checking the surgical site, continuing pain meds, continuing antibiotics, and keeping her toileting area clean. However, those fifteen extra minutes a day are worth it so I can be with my little one.

Hamsters that are sleepy are cute not gonna lie!

Thank you for the prays and good vibes it worked!

Love and light,


Lazy Weekend

Hi all!

I ended up having a lazy weekend. I picked up dear fiancé’s cold and so I made a giant pot of soup, cleaned yesterday, and today I spent 70% of the day sleeping.

My body is super tired from fighting off this virus. My stuffy nose is slowly improving, but my exhaustion is getting worse. My IBS is also not super happy either.

In other news being sick forced me to reschedule my colonoscopy and EGD for a few more weeks out. This means I have to wait longer to get answers but I would rather have access to Advil and not just Tylenol while I fight this cold.

Dear fiancé finished reading the first Nightside book to me, review to follow!

Love and light!

Year 1 and an update on the dumpster fire

So according to the records WordPress has been keeping I have been blogging for 1 year. I am excited that I stuck with it! This has definitely been a crazy year! Covid, getting engaged, working the front lines, preparing for the next steps in my life in all arena’s.

However, one thing remains the same. My life seems to be a dumpster fire. My dad is actively psychotic. He keeps leaving voicemails about fish who have been infected with waste from a nuclear reactor and not to eat any seafood for a few years.

My dear father in law is still in and out of making sense and still needs extensive nursing care. I seem to be the “adult-iest adult” in the pool of available adults.

Dear fiance is in quarantine for possible COVID. His initial tests have come back negative but we are waiting on one last result for him to be cleared. I think he just has a man cold or a late season flu. Luckily it is just some sniffles and a fever. However, precautions are being taken and he is relegated to the spare room until further notice.

I have taken over the roles of head cook, head dishwasher, laundry person, cat care taker, and hamster care taker. He gets the guinea pigs because they live with him in the spare room.

Our hamster gumball almost got put down today but the vet would like to try a spay to see if they can spare her from her uterine cancer (pyometra for those in the ham community). I am not sure if this is a stay of execution or not. I am worried about something so tiny being sedated.

Also coming up is my double hitter diagnostic surgery, colonoscopy and EGD. I am NOT at all looking forward to the Go Litely prep. Or a full day on a liquid diet but that is the lesser of the two evils.

Love and light.