Brief Hiatus

I will be taking a brief hiatus from blogging, but don’t worry I will be back at full speed for blogtober, this coming Saturday.

I am having some tech issues with unreliable wifi, and my macbook charger has been on the fritz. Therefore, I am taking some time for a brief break before coming back strong for Blogtober.

My Journey with PCOS

Trigger warnings: Mentions of calories, trauma, medical gaslighting, and eating disorder.


My Journey with PCOS started before my first period. As soon as I started showing signs of puberty the weird hormones hit. I went from being underweight to “husky” clothing quickly. One school year the only clothes I fit were stretch pants and I could never get a pair of kids jeans that fit, then my school started a uniform policy and I could not find clothing in my size for in and out of school.

When I did start my period it was pretty awful, I bled heavily, was in severe pain, often causing me to leave school early from the pain, dizziness, nausea, and feeling faint. I was taken to a GYN by my mother for the severe pain and because my mother refused to allow me to try birth control I was told to track my cycle and take ibuprofen starting the day before my period was supposed to arrive.

My life went on like this until I got sick in college freshman year and found out I had a large ovarian cyst. I ended up being taken around to several specialists and being scheduled for a cyst removal over the summer between my sophomore and junior years of college. After the removal I lost some weight and was okay for about 4 months before all of my prior symptoms came back. I was then put on 14 days a month of progesterone with a break until the first of the following month in the hopes of improving things. It worked until just before graduate school when my doctor suddenly retired.

I saw a new doctor who started me on the mini pill where I bleed more days than I didn’t bleed and it never really worked well for my body. I went to a new doctor who scheduled me for an iud stating if the mini pill did not work that was all they could offer me. I had that for six years.

I had a few bumps in the road with it but it was generally better than my other experiences. The largest hiccup for me was seeing one doctor for pain during intimacy and being told I should be placed on double birth control due to my weight and then once I hit the age for menopause they would do a total hysterectomy. They did not take the time to even look at my chart to see I have migraines with aura and therefore cannot take the second medication they recommended, an estrogen pill. They also did not ask if I ever wanted to have children. All they saw was my weight from check in and they decided I was too fat to be an okay candidate for motherhood.

That experience was so jarring I did not go back to an obgyn for several years and did not do any follow up until I started having chronic bladder issues, it just so happens the specialist does urology and obgyn work so I started getting my yearly exams again.

Over the last year I started a new journey, attempting weight loss in the hopes that when I am ready, my husband and I can hopefully have a child, or if we cannot I would qualify for IVF. Right now I have lost 30 pounds from two medications my endocrinologist has me on. I’m probably the sickest I have been, but I am down thirty pounds from my start weight. My doctor would like me to lose another 77 pounds before I qualify for something as simple as oral fertility medications or IUI. I don’t know if the universe will ever let me be a mother a child that is biologically mine, but this is not the end of my journey to motherhood.

Every generation on my mother’s side from my grandmother down to me has struggled with PCOS and fertility. I will not be the last to struggle from this disease, but the medical community really needs to work on their thoughts about PCOS. If the condition causes weight gain and trouble with losing weight, the suggested treatment should not be a weightloss of 100 or more pounds before someone can get their symptoms taken seriously, or their desire for motherhood considered. Forced sterilization is not the option that should be presented if someone wants to have a biological child. An institutionally supported eating disorder also isn’t the answer, I have been told to eat 1000 calories a day or less since the last time I was able to lose weight without medication was when I ate 700 calories a day because I was not handling my trauma well.

We just need to do better.

Reading updates

This is my check in before the last few days of readathon.

  1. PoseidonBravely by Maggie Stiefvater- I completed this book at the beginning of the readathon. I loved watching Merida’s character develop and maybe there will be romance in here future.
  2. Pasiphae and the Minoan BullValiant by Holly Black- Valiant was not as good as Tithe but still a solid fairy story. I read the book via audiobook while charting at work.
  3. Daedalus and Icarus– Read a book about a parent or a book that will make you cry- Bear Next Door by J. L. Wilder- This book is about a couple that finds themselves faced with an unexpected pregnancy. While we do not see the little one born, the struggles the couple go through to grow for themselves and as parents to prepare for their little ones rings true.
  4. AndrogeusThe Castle in the Attic by Elizabeth Winthrop- While I struggled to get into the book, once the action moved to the The Castle I was pulled in.
  5. Theseus Charges In– Of Two Minds by Carol Matas and Perry Nodelman- While slow to start, it drew me in by the third chapter. After that it was difficult to put down in order to go to bed on time. The twist ending was such a good plot choice for the main characters.
  6. AriadneMirage by Somaiya Daud- I am halfway through this title and will be completing it before the end of the month. So far it is riveting.
  7. The MinotaurThe Battle for the Castle by Elizabeth Winthrop- While the book was good it was not as captivating as the first installment. There were also several times I had to rewind the audiobook to figure out what the author was trying to explain.

Bonus Reads:

  1. The Island of Naxos– Read a book with a party or celebration- Midlife Bear Cubs by J. L. Wilder is the title I pulled from Kindle Unlimited for this prompt. The shifter leaders holds a lot of block parties using the den’s money.
  2. King Theseus  Ender in Exile by Orson Scott Card- I read this at work using the audiobook version while doing notes and admin tasks.

Blessed Mabon

Today night and day and light and dark are found in equal measure. We celebrate the harvest and hope that we have the good fortune to have what we need through the upcoming winter. With the development of stores, for those of us who don’t live in food deserts, having food gear round is easier for some.

For me, I am trying to find the meaning in balance.

Persephone begins steps down as goddess of spring and begins her decent to the underworld to take up the mantle of queen and role as wife.

May we all love and understand ourselves with our own duality.

Spoonie accessible kitchen

As some of you may know, I have chronic illness and chronic pain. The pain comes from a combination of depression aches and pains, and a history of being klutzy and damaging tendons and muscles.

This week I have been in a lot of pelvic and back pain. It hurts to sit, stand, walk, lay down, get up. Really just existing is pretty painful.

It got me to thinking, I have not been able to cook all week as it would require navigating my tiny kitchen, a lot of bending to pull out cooking implements, and reaching for food items and spices.

It makes me wonder what an accessible kitchen would be like. I think I would need a large counter top that’s a little taller than average as my current counter makes me have to stoop a little to do prep work. Having the counter space to leave my most used pots, pans, plates, fruit basket, and potato bin would be wonderful.

For days when my carpel tunnel is making it difficult to function some of the arthritis tools would be useful.

Has anyone made an accessible kitchen?

September is PCOS awareness month

I wanted to make a shout out today about PCOS awareness month. I am still trying to find the words to articulate my own battles with PCOS in the mean time, I wanted my readership to be aware that PCOS is real and there is support out there.

If you are a uterus/ovary having person who has issues with fertility, weight, abnormal menstrual cycles, abdominal pain, abnormal hair growth, it may be worth it to ask your doctor to look into this condition for you.

You do not have to go to a GYN and Endocrinologist can also look into PCOS.

Prepping for Mabon

I have spent some time at home and at work preparing for Mabon, the celebration of the harvest. While we are no longer an agrarian society, I think the lessons from this day are still important. Mabon speaks to balance, the light and days of summer are giving ways to longer colder nights. We need each to have balance.

For Mabon I have been searching for some recipes to cook I have identified chili, kabobs, apple cake, and mashed sweet potato as options. I will let you know what I end up making!

At work I have rearranged some of the space on my desk cabinets. This has allowed me to put up some fall/harvest themed images and a blessing for balance. Hopefully, this does not cause any issues with my very conservative office-mates. Time will tell!

Readathon Week 1 Check in

My progress has been rather slow this month. We are on day 9 and I have only completed 1 book, Bravely. I enjoyed the next story in Merida’s tale and I am so happy it was not too Disney-ish. They really treated Merida as a young adult.

My book for prompt 2 of Mythothon will be coming from Kindle Unlimited, but is to be determined as I have a few books in mind but the authors are all new to me. It depends on which book pulls me in.

Talk to you all about my reads soon!

Updates!

Hi All,

This season has been a season of change in my life. Sort of, my medical needs remain about the same. I am continuing to pursue testing for my ovary health which has been an ongoing battle for some time. I have continued to read and pick up overtime.

However, I have been more balanced of late. Date nights have been occuring and I have prioritized my commitments to my animals, family, and friends.

My reading has been slower this month- 1 book in seven days- but self care has taken a priority.

Mythothon Round 7 TBR

  1. Poseidon– Read a book with a Blue Cover- Bravely by Maggie Stiefvater- I love Princess Merida so I am excited to pick up this adaptation.
  2. Pasiphae and the Minoan Bull– Read a book that is a romance or has a white cover- Valiant by Holly Black- this book fits squarely into both categories as my omnibus has a white cover and it is supposed to feature a romance.
  3. Daedalus and Icarus– Read a book about a parent or a book that will make you cry- TBD
  4. Androgeus– Read a book with a game or competition- The Castle in the Attic by Elizabeth Winthrop- My husband helped me pick out a book for this prompt so I am unsure what to expect.
  5. Theseus Charges In– Pick a book with a number in the title- Of Two Minds by Carol Matas and Perry Nodelman I am reading this on the recommendation of my husband.
  6. Ariadne– Read a book with Gold Foil- Mirage by Somaiya Daud
  7. The Minotaur– Bick a Book with a battle- The Battle for the Castle by Elizabeth Winthrop Another choice by my husband.

Bonus Reads:

  1. The Island of Naxos– Read a book with a party or celebration- TBD
  2. Aegeus and the Sails– Read a book from the back of your TBR- Black Butler Volume 1 by Yana Toboso
  3. King Theseus– Read a book about a hero- Ender in Exile by Orson Scott Card

I have been a bit tired lately due to my chronic illnesses popping up. When I went to make this TBR I was in the middle of a flair which causes brain fog. I had to rely on my husband to help me choose most of the books. In total he picked 5 of my 13 reads. Let’s hope this goes well!