So I wanted to open up to you all about living with chronic anxiety. While medication and therapy certainly help there are times when my anxiety is unmanageable.
There are times where I cannot fall asleep due to anxiety. On those nights I stare at the ceiling and remember every time I have done something wrong in my life. One of the first memories that comes to mind is from when I was in 3rd grade. I went to work with my mom in the mornings since she was a “lunch lady”. I would drink hot tea every morning because my allergies were always awful, and the warm liquid helped the congestion. One day I forgot to pick up my cup, clean, and put it away. I was yelled at by every lunch lady on the team and my mom for being so irresponsible and leaving the tea cup out. The reason why was because they assumed I was being lazy and wanted to take the elevator to the second floor, so I rushed off without completing my chore. The second reason is because a younger child assumed the cup was for them and tried to drink from it.
What I said did not matter and I was a terrible person for having endangered this 5-year-old. I was maybe ten at the time.
When this memory comes up my anxiety reminds me of how terrible of a child I was and how I endangered someone else’s child. My rational mind knows this was all a misunderstanding and an accidental thing. But my anxiety thinks at ten I should have been as responsible as an adult.
There are other memories, but this is always the first